I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
