Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
