I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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