Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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