I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
