Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
