watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
