Just cropdusted the office
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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