I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
honey bunches of taint.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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