I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize