A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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