Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
