I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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