I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
