Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
