Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize