Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
