Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize