I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i dont even know how to be here
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
