i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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