Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
