I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
