My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
