I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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