I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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