When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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