you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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