I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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