saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Houston, we have a squirter
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
