i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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