I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
