i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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