I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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