that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
