and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
