Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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