whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
