I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
