I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize