dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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