those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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