May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you will always have a special place in my vag
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
