The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
