Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
