they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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