Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
