i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
