He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
