I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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