her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
So squirting runs in the family.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
