We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
