Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
