I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
