; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
