i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize