Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
