i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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